Sometimes I make myself nervous. There are moments or days where the overwhelming knowledge of the fact that the structure this society has created will never be something I can forget about; something that I can’t escape. Some days it really makes me want to be a hermit and to just live in the middle of nowhere by myself. It’s not like a legitimate thought, but it’s an urge. Like something feels like it’s pulling me away from society, from this bullshit structure, from these lies and manipulations.
I have got to stop thinking so much about this. If I don’t, I will probably have a mental breakdown hah. It just frustrates me that no matter how much I know, no matter how much I read or learn, no matter how aware I am to these structures, I will be stuck within this self-deprecative system. I mean, that is a bummer. I think that if there is one cruel aspect of regular day life, that’s it; the fact that you can never live outside the structure that your whole person has grown around.
Like, I’m picturing those playgrounds from elementary school, except grayer. And those playgrounds are the social structures that the world holds. This playground is one of the first things built in our brains. We learn almost instantly how to follow the guidelines of the world we live in. But then, our true person starts to grow. I’m imaging these lush, flower covered vines that absolutely cover the playground. Without the playground, they would have never have grown that way, they wouldn’t have even survived. Yet, this means that if you ever wanted to alter the societal structure underneath, you’d have to destroy some of yourself to get down to the playground level. It’s like, while trying to better yourself in terms of living outside of the structure, you have to alter and damage yourself. That’s ridiculous. I can’t think about this anymore.